Hi! I'm Kannade and this is me, online. This is where I feel the most comfortable being myself. This blog is primarily a personal/recovery blog. If you're interested in my fandoms, follow kannadesfandomreblogs, linked farther down on this page.
I have worn and handled my Gurren Lagann drill necklace so much in the past three years that the cord has now broken. The drill lost its brassy shine a long time ago.
My Onii-chan gave it to me when I was extremely depressed after moving back home to my parents’ house. (Though the depression was not caused by that, it was more the cause of it.) One night, about a month or two after I had moved home, we were talking, and I was upset, and I voiced my doubts: I was afraid I would never overcome this depression, never get better, never become able to function or become an independent adult.
"You can," he responded. He then removed his Gurren Lagann drill necklace and put it around my neck, quoting a line from the show that the character Kamina said to the protagonist Simon. "Don’t believe in yourself. Believe in me. Believe in the me who believes in you."
So I did. I couldn’t believe in myself at that point; I thought I was too weak, too broken. But I could believe in my bro. And if he believed in me, then I could do what I needed to.
I’m making the same transformation as Simon, the main character. I’m now beyond “Believe in the me who believes in you,” having to rely on other people’s faith in me, and am now to a point, most of the time, where I can believe in myself again. ”Believe in the you who believes in you.”
My Onii-chan is the Kamina to my Simon, and this necklace reminds me that he loves me and believes in me, even when I can’t believe in myself.
It’s now on another necklace, being worn around my neck again. I plan to “Do the impossible and kick reason to the curb!” as much as I can. Even if all I can do is kick my depressed reasoning to the curb and strive to function as best I can. Even if I can’t excel right now. I’ll get there eventually. ”Mine is the drill that will pierce the heavens, that will make the impossible possible.”
Row, row, fight the power!
About a month and a half ago Dad tried to replace the wireless router. It killed the internet. We had to wait for a guy to come in and fix it.
Ever since then, our internet has been going out every time it rains. In addition to what it used to do, which was be painfully slow and cut out momentarily any time someone called the house. Now it just quits working whenever things get wet outside.
It’s pouring today. Thank goodness for cellular data.
…..ha ha ha…ha ha…ha….
It had exploded with Doctor Who. Which didn’t surprise me. But MAN it’s a lot. And I saw pictures of my friends at their 50th anniversary party and made me sad that I wasn’t there with them. :-( But the play was good, and went well. Glad to know the 50th was a happy episode. I’m looking forward to seeing it.
The Boy did right today.
I was crying, and I asked him to come sit with me. He did.
I mustered up the courage to lay my head on his shoulder. He let me cry and was just…THERE for me.
I was able to pull myself together, and thanked him for sitting with me.
He replied, “Oh, no problem. That was easy.”
Woman emotions can be complicated sometimes, which is why he probably started pacing and commenting on everything in the room when he first got there. But sometimes all we need is for someone to be there, to witness our tears, and to let us know that it will be all right.
Okay but seriously if you are attending college while experiencing any sort of mental illness then you are an impressive human being. Even if you don’t always make it to classes. Even if you don’t always do your homework or pass all your tests. You are doing something that is incredibly difficult when so many of the odds are against you, and regardless of what you are studying you deserve a Ph.D. in being a total and complete badass.
This makes me feel better. Thank you. :-)
I’m now maintaining a pretty consistent low-level depression, lower (slightly more depressed) than before I changed medicines. I’m not sure what the reason is behind it.
It could be because this is how I’m going to feel with this mix of medicines.
It could be because I’m not sure what’s going on with The Boy; we just kind of stopped talking outside of rehearsals since I had my meltdown.
It could be because I failed to keep my treatment hidden from my parents and now I just feel like a broken child again that they’re going to try to take care of.
It could be because of this that I feel less adult—again—more like a child who wants to leave in a huff rather than an adult who is trying to make the best decision for her life.
It could be a combination of all of those things.
My mind is a fog from searching Tumblr all day. Maybe it wasn’t on Tumblr in the first place.
I read something recently (within the past month) about how some people react to depression in others. That some people can be accepting and supportive when you tell them you have depression, but the moment you start exhibiting symptoms, they can’t deal. This is the reaction I am perceiving from the Boy after my meltdown Thursday. I may be wrong in my perception, but I’ve been struggling with feelings of rejection ever since.
Does anyone know what article/post that is? Does it sound familiar at all? I wish ‘likes’ on tumblr were easier to navigate.
…whether to wait until I see him in person tomorrow or try to pursue the conversation over text message. Thursday was my meltdown, and I got a text on Friday saying “I’m not sure how I want to fit into this puzzle.” Not sure what puzzle he’s talking about: depression? my life? I responded yesterday but still haven’t heard back from him.
Dealing with depression is not for everyone. I wish I could have chosen whether or not I wanted to deal with it. But hey, if a person actually has that choice, I guess it’s their prerogative.
I may wait until tomorrow and opt for a face-to-face. That may be better.