Hi! I'm Kannade and this is me, online. This is where I feel the most comfortable being myself. This blog is primarily a personal/recovery blog. If you're interested in my fandoms, follow kannadesfandomreblogs, linked farther down on this page.


Pondering and Ponderous

When I was in undergrad, I gained 20 pounds. No big deal. 20 pounds in four years, not too bad. That’s only 5 pounds a year.

When I was in grad school/lived out of my home state, I gained 30 pounds. That was 30 pounds in 3 years. I was concerned, cause much of the weight gain was due to emotional problems, but not concerned enough to change yet.

I had resolved to change when I moved out of my parents’ house, where I’ve been living for the past 3 1/2 years. My weight stayed pretty steady for most of that time, until now. I’ve gained 20 pounds in the last five months since starting my new medicine. One of its side effects can be weight gain, and I guess it is one of my side effects.

I have never hated the weight of my body. I’m discovering that I’ve hated my body for other reasons, but I’ve never hated myself for being medically overweight until now. I guess it’s because the weight gain has been so fast and I just feel uncomfortable all of the time. It hasn’t been gradual. I haven’t had time to get accustomed to my changing body. Now none of my clothes fit and I can’t curl up the way I used to.

I follow a lot of body positive blogs and I don’t think that anyone should have to change the size of their body to be happy with it. So now I’m feeling slightly ashamed for wanting to change mine. But my doctor has been concerned with my weight, and I’ve been concerned with the rate of my weight gain recently, and am ready to do something now.

I guess my question now is: shouldn’t one have a right to feel however she wants to about her body? Love or hate? Like or dislike? Content or wanting to change?

Now I want to change. And I think that’s good. I think I need it. I want to be able to do more things than my body will let me do right now. I want to have the energy to do more than I can right now. So here goes. Tomorrow I start a diet for the first time in my life, and hopefully some exercise. We’ll see what happens.

Is there an age where parents should stop pushing their children to do things they’re uncomfortable with? Isn’t there an age where we can say ‘that’s not going to work for me, I want to do it differently’? I’m twenty-eight fucking years old. Why won’t you respect my wishes? Why do you keep pushing me, manipulating me, not taking no for an answer? Leave me the fuck alone.

I can’t wait to get out of here.

Internal Conflict at 2am

He’s a good man and I love him. That’s what makes it complicated. Are we a good match? No. But I can’t bring myself to say ‘Let’s just be friends.’ Because he’s more than just my friend. Right now I’m just hoping that the impending distance will bring an end to things. How do I get the courage to do what I must?




"Hufflepuffs are known to have good friends in Slytherin. Hufflepuffs are some of the few who won’t judge based on negative rumours. This means they’re the most likely to approach Slytherins and help them when in need. This makes amazingly loyal friends between the houses. Mess with a Hufflepuff, and you’ll likely find a Slytherin getting revenge for the more forgiving house."


it’s true doe


angeldrkfire kannade

(Source: lovelikefallingsnow)

What happened?

Nothing major.  I was just trying to phrase poetically a thought that came to my mind this evening after a comment from Mom.  I shared an idea with her and she said “That’s going to be hard.”  Which doesn’t seem like that big of a deal, except I’ve realized that it’s part of a pattern.  I share an ambition, Mom (or Dad) is afraid that I can’t handle the disappointment if it doesn’t work out, and they either discourage me from doing it or try to prepare me for the worst-case scenario.  Which usually discourages me from even trying.  But I’m tired of not trying.  I’d rather try and fail than just not do anything.

I’ve also realized the irony of what is going on right now with their advice about my education.  I’m wanting to pursue education for a career that would fit me like a glove, but has fewer job prospects than teaching.  They are afraid that I won’t be able to find a job and that that degree will be as “useless” as my current degree.  But my sister is working toward a very specific field with a high competition job market, and they don’t seem to doubt her ability to make it.  It’s like they doubt ME.


Again, nothing big happened, just something small that sparked a big train of thought.

They love me. They don’t want me to experience pain. But what they don’t realize is that the pain of falling is much less severe than the pain of never trying. The first pain is short, sharp, harsh, and leaves a scar. The other is a hole gnawing at the inside of my being, growing larger and larger until the emptiness feels bigger than my existence. In my right mind, I’d take the sharp pain any day. I just need to learn how to actively choose the possibility of pain over the fear of pain, which leads to nothingness.



emotional abuse is when someone does something to hurt you, and when you express your feelings, that you’re upset, they turn it around to be something you did to hurt them and they force you to apologize for it, and your feelings, like always, are rendered invalid and silenced, forever damaging the ability to trust others with your feelings because they always are used against you.


More Facts on Psychofacts :)

Sometimes.  And sometimes people avoid arguing because arguing was too dangerous in another relationship and they don’t know what this one will be like.  Or because they’ve been taught their whole life that arguing and disagreeing is wrong and they’re just learning how to disagree, but haven’t learned how to argue yet.


More Facts on Psychofacts :)

Sometimes.  And sometimes people avoid arguing because arguing was too dangerous in another relationship and they don’t know what this one will be like.  Or because they’ve been taught their whole life that arguing and disagreeing is wrong and they’re just learning how to disagree, but haven’t learned how to argue yet.


I love this movie/mini-series.  I’m watching it yet again while I try to finish crocheting a baby blanket that I need to have finished for a baby shower in less than a week.  I just keep coming back to this movie.

I think it’s because I connect so much to this Alice and want to be like her.  You know the saying “Don’t write strong women, write women who are human?” (Basically…I’m paraphrasing freely.) Well she is strong and she is human.  Within the first ten minutes of the movie we see her strength (she teaches a martial arts class and can take grown men down with a swift flip over her shoulder).  We’re shown her longings (her father disappeared ten years before and she’s been looking for him ever since).  We’re shown her fears (her mother talks about her fear of commitment and she freaks out when her boyfriend pulls out a not-engagement ring.  She also is shown to have a fear of heights early in her trip through the looking glass).

I just finished watching the scene where Hatter wants to send her back to her world and take the Ring of Wonderland to use as a bargaining chip.  She keeps coming back to “No!  I have to save Jack (her boyfriend) first.”  Hatter is a political two-timer who is willing to do whatever it takes to survive and get ahead.  Alice holds fast to her values and what she wants.  She wants to rescue her boyfriend and get back home without putting Wonderland in danger.

That’s something I want to learn how to do.  To hold on to my values regardless of what the circumstances are.  Not to give up what I think is important just because of survival or to make other people happy.  I mean, obviously survival is important, but…I give up too much of what I think in an attempt to make others happy.

And here’s the thing: I’ve always thought of these values as moral ones.  But my values include the things that I think are important that don’t have any inherent moral qualities.  Like communication.  I highly value communication in relationships, especially romantic relationships.  And it has frustrated me because my boyfriend doesn’t communicate very well sometimes, but neither do I.  I want to sit down and have clear, communicative talks without it being intimidating or overwhelming for either of us.  I just want to learn how to say what I think and feel in this relationship and not give up what I think in order to make him happy.  If I have to give up on me in order for us to work then we aren’t going to work.  And who knows?  He may accept me for who I am anyway if I have the courage to tell him.  He has so far, surprisingly enough.

*ends stream-of-consciousness rambling*

TL;DR version: I love this movie because of reasons.