I’ve felt restless today. Wanting to do something new. So I’ve decided to go dancing. Problem is, the next dance is two weeks and two hours away. I need to find something to do in town in the meantime.
Well, at least I’m only feeling restless now instead of completely shitty. Not that I don’t deserve to feel shitty. But not feeling like my blood is ice is an improvement.
It’s over. And I feel the need to write about it; talk about it. But I have difficulty knowing what to say. I don’t know if he’ll ever forgive me, or if he should. He said he would still be my friend. “I’ve stayed friends with people who have done much worse to me.”
I’m so practiced now at not being myself, it’s becoming second nature. It was weird to try to be honest with my old friend today while my boyfriend was sitting right there, cause he’s normally the one I’m not myself around.
I also lied today, with difficulty, when another friend asked me if I was happy with my boyfriend. He’s a friend that I’m normally honest with, and I don’t feel like I can be anymore. I’m not honest with my boyfriend, is it really appropriate for me to be honest about how I’m feeling with someone else?
"As long as you’re happy," he said.
1. Who makes you happy, and brightens up your day?
2. Who brings out the best in you?
3. Who do you feel most accepted by?
4. Who would you trust your deepest secrets to?
5. Who challenges you to be all that you can be?
6. Who is truly happy when things go well for you?
7. Who is jealous or envious of you?
8. Who puts you down, or would love to see you fail?
9. Who takes all the time but you nothing back?
10. Who isn’t worth the investment of your time?
I don’t really feel like 7-10 are applicable to anyone in my life.
I’m working on a creative writing assignment and it’s asking me what my writing voice is like. If you would, click over to my blog and read a few posts and see if any adjectives come to mind. Sorry for any depressing content, it’s my recovery blog where I journal, which means it’s probably the most honest depiction of my writing voice. I have over twenty followers, and would love to hear from at least five of you! Would you help me with this as I strive to discover more of who I am as a writer?
Maybe I shouldn’t have brought it up.
Or maybe I should have brought it up a long time ago.
A part of me feels like this needs to end.
A part of me feels like I’ll end up with him.
I’m not desperate, Mom says.
I shouldn’t settle, Angel says.
I feel desperate, I say.
But I don’t want to settle.
I want to kiss him.
I want to leave him.
I want to love him.
I want to love myself.
I don’t need to hear ‘you are guilty.’ I need to hear ‘you are valuable.’ Because I feel like a worthless piece of shit.