My Gallimaufry

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'That's messed up'

~my friends’ response whenever I tell them something my dad said or did that upset me.

So it was manipulation. That’s why I was upset this weekend. And it took two friends pointing it out for me to see it as such.

It makes me not want to ask my parents for help ever again, because I’m afraid they’ll use my need for help as an opportunity to attach strings and try to control me.

I have smart emotions. I have a weaker sense of logic that has trouble figuring out those emotions. I got upset when I was manipulated. I just didn’t realize why I was upset or that I was being manipulated.

I’m going to ask my friend about moving out and living with her and her family. She had offered me a home if my parents ever kicked me out. She and her family are in financial need right now. Maybe they wouldn’t mind taking on a paying tenant. The only problem is they live 30 minutes outside the town where I work.

The other option, which would be smarter from a practical standpoint and dumber from a personal one, would be to move in with my ex-boyfriend. He lives in town, so would be closer to work, and is in need of a housemate, but…

Still brainstorming.

Filed under angeldrkfire berlockholmes

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I’ve felt restless today. Wanting to do something new. So I’ve decided to go dancing. Problem is, the next dance is two weeks and two hours away. I need to find something to do in town in the meantime.

Well, at least I’m only feeling restless now instead of completely shitty. Not that I don’t deserve to feel shitty. But not feeling like my blood is ice is an improvement.

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It’s over. And I feel the need to write about it; talk about it. But I have difficulty knowing what to say. I don’t know if he’ll ever forgive me, or if he should. He said he would still be my friend. “I’ve stayed friends with people who have done much worse to me.”

Read more …

Filed under angeldrkfire berlockholmes

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Sometimes things come out of your mouth that you regret later on. Or no, not regret. You say something so razor-sharp that the person you say it to carries it around with them for the rest of their life.
Herman Koch, The Dinner (via quoted-books)

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I’m becoming a good liar.

I’m so practiced now at not being myself, it’s becoming second nature.  It was weird to try to be honest with my old friend today while my boyfriend was sitting right there, cause he’s normally the one I’m not myself around.

I also lied today, with difficulty, when another friend asked me if I was happy with my boyfriend.  He’s a friend that I’m normally honest with, and I don’t feel like I can be anymore.  I’m not honest with my boyfriend, is it really appropriate for me to be honest about how I’m feeling with someone else?

"As long as you’re happy," he said.

I wish.

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Some Relationship Questions


1. Who makes you happy, and brightens up your day?
2. Who brings out the best in you?
3. Who do you feel most accepted by?
4. Who would you trust your deepest secrets to?
5. Who challenges you to be all that you can be?
6. Who is truly happy when things go well for you?
7. Who is jealous or envious of you?
8. Who puts you down, or would love to see you fail?
9. Who takes all the time but you nothing back?
10. Who isn’t worth the investment of your time?

1-6. angeldrkfire and berlockholmes.

I don’t really feel like 7-10 are applicable to anyone in my life.

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Followers! I need your help!

I’m working on a creative writing assignment and it’s asking me what my writing voice is like. If you would, click over to my blog and read a few posts and see if any adjectives come to mind. Sorry for any depressing content, it’s my recovery blog where I journal, which means it’s probably the most honest depiction of my writing voice. I have over twenty followers, and would love to hear from at least five of you! Would you help me with this as I strive to discover more of who I am as a writer?